Why We Trauma Bond with Toxic People (and How to Break It)
- Jordan Craft
- Apr 12
- 5 min read
(Because real love shouldn’t feel like a hostage situation)
Let’s be real for a second—getting stuck in a relationship with someone who treats you like an emotional punching bag but occasionally sprinkles in a "good day" is not love. It’s not passion. It’s not fate. It’s a trauma bond. And if you’ve ever felt completely obsessed with someone who was unpredictable, manipulative, or just... straight-up unsafe? You’re not crazy. You’re trauma bonded. And holy hell, it’s one of the hardest things to admit, let alone walk away from.
So let’s unpack it—what trauma bonding actually is, how it rewires your brain, why you feel so goddamn stuck, and what it really takes to break free without losing your mind (or crawling back for another round).
🔒 What Is a Trauma Bond (and Why Is It So Messed Up)?
A trauma bond is this psychological trap you fall into when someone keeps flipping between cruelty and kindness. You’re basically being rewarded and punished on repeat, which creates an intense emotional dependency that feels a lot like love—but it’s really just survival mode in disguise.
Think of it like this: you're standing in the middle of an emotional war zone, but every now and then, your captor brings you a flower. So you start thinking, “maybe they’re not that bad.” That little moment of tenderness becomes everything. It keeps you hanging on. Even if you're bleeding out emotionally.
It’s not your fault. It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do.
🧠 Your Brain Under Siege: The Chemistry of a Trauma Bond
Trauma bonds don’t form because you're weak or broken. They form because your brain is literally addicted to the cycle.
Here’s what’s happening under the hood:
Dopamine: This little bastard spikes when you get affection, validation, or attention—especially after a fight or after being ignored. The inconsistency creates a craving.
Cortisol: High-stress environments keep your body in a near-constant state of survival mode. You become hyper-focused on the toxic person because they control your emotional safety.
Oxytocin: This is the “bonding hormone,” released during physical intimacy, eye contact, even just moments of emotional connection. Your brain doesn’t care if that connection came right after they screamed at you. It still glues you to them.
So you don’t just want them—you start to feel like you need them. That’s why trauma bonds are so hard to break. You’re not just walking away from a person. You’re walking away from a chemical addiction to the hope of being loved by them.
🫣 Why It Feels Like Love
This one hurts. The trauma bond convinces you that this intensity is proof of love. That the reason it’s so hard to leave is because of how deep your connection is. But here’s the truth:
Love doesn’t make you question your worth daily.
Love doesn’t gaslight you into doubting your reality.
Love doesn’t punish you with silence, anger, or mind games.
What you’re feeling? That “soul tie,” that anxiety, that rollercoaster? That’s not love—it’s your body trying to survive chaos while calling it home. Especially if chaos is what you grew up around.
🪩 When the Past Becomes Your Pattern
Trauma bonds don’t start in adulthood. Most of the time, they trace back to childhood—especially if you grew up with emotionally unavailable, abusive, or unpredictable caregivers.
Did you have to earn love as a kid?
Did your parent’s mood dictate whether or not you were “good enough”?
Were you made to feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
If yes, then somewhere along the way, your brain got wired to believe that love = instability. That love = performance. That if someone withdraws, it’s your job to fix it.
That’s not your natural state. That’s your programming. And the good news is—it can be reprogrammed.
🚩 Signs You’re in a Trauma Bond (Even If You’re Not Ready to Call It That)
If you're stuck in the “but I love them” cycle, here’s a gut check:
You feel anxious or scared when they pull away or get distant
You constantly excuse or downplay their abusive behavior
You think about leaving, but panic immediately after
You're always the one apologizing—even when they were wrong
You feel addicted to the highs after every low
You believe no one else would love you like they do
You start to feel like you’re the crazy one
Sound familiar? You’re not broken. You’re trauma bonded. And that’s a different beast entirely.
🛠️ How to Break the Bond (Without Breaking Yourself)
Leaving a trauma bond isn't just about walking away. It’s about deprogramming your brain and rebuilding your sense of self after someone spent months—or years—systematically dismantling it.
1. Go No Contact (Or Low Contact If You Have To)
Block them. Mute them. Ghost them like your life depends on it—because honestly, emotionally? It does. If you have kids or legal ties and can’t go full no contact, use the Gray Rock method: boring, emotionless, robotic replies. No fuel, no reaction, no vulnerability.
2. Stop Looking for Closure
You’re not gonna get it. They won’t admit what they did. They won’t give you that “I’m sorry” you’re craving. Let go of the fantasy that one more conversation will make it make sense. You don’t need their closure—you need your own clarity.
3. Journal Every Damn Thing
Keep a “truth log.” Write down what happened every time they mistreated you. When your brain starts romanticizing the relationship (and it will), read those receipts. Memory under trauma is unreliable—your journal isn’t.
4. Validate Your Own Experience
You don’t need a therapist to tell you it was abuse for it to count. If you felt small, unsafe, manipulated, or invisible—that’s enough. Your pain doesn’t need permission to be real.
5. Get Support from Survivors, Not Bystanders
Well-meaning friends might say “just leave” or “you deserve better,” but they don’t always get the psychology of it. Join survivor groups. Watch YouTube therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse. Listen to people who know how deep this wound goes.
6. Rebuild Your Identity
After being trauma bonded, you don’t know who you are anymore. You were too busy being what they wanted. Now’s the time to reconnect with your values, your passions, your people. You’re not who they said you were. You never were.
❤️ The Hardest Truth (But Also the Most Freeing)
You didn’t fall for a toxic person because you’re stupid. You fell because your heart was wired to crave safety where it never existed. And when someone came along mimicking love while serving you scraps, your brain called it a feast.
But now? You’re waking up. And that’s powerful.
You don’t owe anyone your loyalty just because they gave you breadcrumbs. You don’t have to prove your worth by enduring suffering. You don’t need to fix people who benefit from staying broken.
You just need to choose you. Again. And again. And again—until it sticks.
Final Word
Leaving a trauma bond might feel like a death. But what’s really dying is the version of you that accepted love with conditions. The version that needed someone else to tell you you’re enough.
What comes next? It’s not easy. It’s not linear. But it’s real. It’s yours. And it’s finally safe.
You don’t have to stay loyal to the wound just because it feels familiar.
You're allowed to heal.
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