Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze… and Fawn?

We’ve all heard about the big three: fight, flight, and freeze. The classic trauma responses. They're the way our bodies react when sh*t hits the fan and we sense danger, whether it's a real threat or our nervous system just flipping all the red flags on like a disco ball. But there’s a fourth one that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough, even though it’s alarmingly common—especially for people who've been in abusive relationships, grew up in chaotic households, or were taught that love is earned by being as small and agreeable as possible.

It’s called fawning.

Yep, it’s a thing. And once you know about it, you start seeing it everywhere—especially in yourself, if you were conditioned to people-please as a survival tactic.

WHAT ARE TRAUMA RESPONSES, REALLY?

Before we dive into the deep end, let’s hit the basics: trauma responses are automatic reactions to threat. Your nervous system has zero chill when it thinks your life—or safety, or autonomy—is in danger. It doesn't care about what's polite or rational. It cares about surviving.

Here’s a quick rundown:

• Fight: You get aggressive, defensive, ready to throw hands (literally or verbally). Your body gets loud. Heart rate up, adrenaline pumping, and you're ready to confront the threat.

• Flight: You’re out. You dip. You run—physically, emotionally, mentally. You avoid, distract, shut down, scroll TikTok for 6 hours instead of dealing with whatever’s making your skin crawl.

• Freeze: You’re paralyzed. Can’t speak, can’t move, can’t decide. Your body goes still, like a deer in headlights. This one’s sneaky because it can look calm on the outside, but your insides are screaming.

• Fawn: You people-please to keep the peace. You say “yes” when you mean “no.” You over-apologize, try to soothe others, make yourself invisible or overly helpful to avoid conflict. Basically, you become the emotional support human.

FAWNING: THE OVERLOOKED SURVIVAL SKILL

Fawning isn’t about being nice. Let’s just make that crystal clear. It's not the same as being kind or thoughtful. It’s not about generosity or empathy. It’s about survival—especially emotional survival.

For a lot of us, especially those who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, emotional neglect, or just constant unpredictability growing up, fawning becomes the go-to move. It’s the nervous system saying: “Maybe if I’m super agreeable, overly helpful, and make everyone else comfortable, they won’t hurt me, abandon me, or blow up on me.”

If any of these sound painfully familiar, you might have some fawn in your trauma toolkit:

• You agree with people just to avoid conflict, even if you 100% disagree inside.

• You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

• You apologize even when it’s not your fault (or when you literally haven’t done anything wrong).

• You struggle to say no without panicking or spiraling into guilt.

• You’re hyper-aware of other people’s moods, and adjust yourself constantly to keep things calm.

• You don't even know what you want half the time, because you’re so focused on what everyone else needs.

  
  

Sound familiar? Yeah, welcome to the club. We have snacks, but nobody will take the last one because we're all too afraid of seeming rude.

WHY DO WE FAWN?

Because it works. Or it did, at some point.

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, or where keeping a parent, partner, or caregiver happy was the only way to avoid emotional (or physical) harm, fawning was adaptive. It was your way of surviving. You learned to read the room like a psychic. You made yourself small, useful, agreeable—anything to stay safe.

The problem is, your body doesn't know when you're not in danger anymore. It gets stuck in the pattern. So even in safe relationships, or random interactions with a cashier, or conversations with your own damn kids—you might still find yourself shrinking, appeasing, avoiding your own truth.

UNLEARNING FAWN MODE

The first step? Recognizing it. That’s the big one. Once you know what fawning looks like, it’s way easier to catch yourself doing it. And no, that doesn’t mean beating yourself up about it. This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness.

Some helpful ways to start unlearning the habit:

• Start small. Practice saying “no” to tiny things. Seriously, start with “I don’t want a straw” or “I actually don’t like that show.” Micro-boundaries help build confidence.

• Check in with yourself before responding. Ask: “Do I actually want this?” If your automatic response is “whatever you want!”—pause.

• Notice guilt. Guilt will show up. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong for setting a boundary or honoring your needs. It just means your nervous system is still recalibrating.

• Therapy helps. Especially if you find yourself defaulting to fawning in your relationships and feel like you can’t stop even when you want to.

  
  

FAWNING DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE WEAK

Let’s just kill that lie right now. Fawning is a trauma response, not a personality flaw. It’s not weakness. It’s not being fake. It’s something your brain did to protect you, and it deserves some damn respect for that.

But if it’s getting in the way of your peace, your boundaries, your sense of self—it’s okay to let it go. Or at least loosen its grip. You don’t have to become a hardened, unbothered bad bitch overnight. But you do get to take up space. You get to have needs. You get to say no. You get to stop editing yourself just to keep the peace.

You’re not here to make everyone else comfortable. You’re here to be real. And real you? Worth protecting—even if that means learning to stop fawning and start choosing yourself.